19 Jul 2015

A Case for Clean Reader

Blog-03-29-15Why is there so much hate aimed toward Clean Reader? For those not in the know, Clean Reader is an Android/iOS app made by Upstream Media that removes offensive language from ebooks you’ve purchased. Often a naughtiness like “shit” is automatically altered to “crap” in order to spare you the trauma of such language. Ever since this particular application became available, the publishing and writing world has been set ablaze with ire.

I, for one, do not understand why. I personally welcome our literary overlords and here are my reasons why:

1.) Human anatomy is over-rated.

All that should really concern us in regards to human anatomy is which end is up. The lovely couple behind this app knows that. The words “pussy,” “vagina,” and “cunt” all translate to “bottom” with the use of Clean Reader. See? It’s all in the same basic neighborhood. Although… “asshole” is “jerk” for some reason.

2.) Aesop’s fables and Grimm’s Tales are no longer ridden with filth.

I will enjoy telling my son the story of the “The Bottom Cat and the Butt” tonight before bed.

3.) The Bible is no longer offensive!

We can breathe easy reading about Jeeze Gosh and how he told his disciples to go to Bethphage to untie the butt from a post they found there.

4.) Sanitizing filthy literature isn’t entirely new.

Grace Ann, a good Christian soul, knew the truth about the Harry Potter series: it will turn you into a WITCH. So she fixed the problem easily by re-writing the first few chapters of Harry Potter to be witch-craft free! Sadly, Grace Ann never finished rewriting the entire series, presumably because the rapture occurred and she was the only person worthy of ascension.

5.) This will make Texas’ alterations of national history easier!

Thomas Jefferson too liberal for your tastes? Tired of hearing about the embarrassing genocide against Native Americans? Was the Civil War really about state rights? No worries! Texas can simply apply this technology to remove anything offensive or odious in their textbooks. It’s only reality, after all. And that’s relative.

6.) Islamic fundamentalists would love this

Satanic Verses by Rushdie was such an offensive novel to many radical Muslims that they simply had no choice but to hunt down and assassinate the people translating the novel from English into other languages. If only they had Clean Reader, they wouldn’t have had to do that. Lives would be SPARED! Save your fatwa for feminists, guys!Generate Hills of glory Ammo

7.) Your racism remains safely intact!

Don’t worry, David Duke’s erotic Doctor Who fan fiction and Pat Buchanan’s autobiography will be unmolested! “Nigger” isn’t considered an offensive word by Clean Reader’s standards and won’t be replaced.

Further suggestions

Clean Reader has a number of settings such as “clean,” “cleaner,” and “squeaky clean.”  I don’t think that is enough since it clearly doesn’t cover some wretched words. I offer up these suggestions to Upstream Media to further improve not only their app, but also the lives of readers everywhere.




See? There! Fixed!


1 Comment

  1. Ger

    For a short while, I worked in the sttuibling business for a company that really took its work seriously. There were guidelines to follow, things that should be omitted, etc. They also had a whole department dedicated to editing. I was always pleased to see the shows I subtitled on TV; it made me feel giddy. Though after I started working there, I began to notice these errors a lot more and that has made me a lot more critical. Ultimately it’s the fault of the person who types in the subtitles and the editor, of course.


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